If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
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Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.