King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
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Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
bury ourselves
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.