*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
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[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
The struggle is real
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!