Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
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hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!