Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
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Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
don’t be scared
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.