‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
You Might Also Like
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
The future is now.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training