[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
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Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
You can’t outrun your problems…
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
saving face 👀
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco