Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
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According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo