I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
You Might Also Like
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
watergate? u mean a dam??
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Happy weekend !
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire