Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
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Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?