What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
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Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
a badder mouse
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,