I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
You Might Also Like
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not