I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
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[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.