me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
You Might Also Like
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
when nothing goes right… go left
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Sounds like a bargain
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.