I like donuts.
Twitter:
You Might Also Like
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
If I ignore life will it go away?
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
The human personality is made of five key elements
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas