Not even remotely sorry.
You Might Also Like
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.