Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
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and now we wait
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO