Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
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Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another