I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
You Might Also Like
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12