First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
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Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”