“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
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I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.