Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
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In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
ok like just. call me at this point
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
So the ex texted me
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.