So glad we cleared that up
You Might Also Like
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Sooo many times…..
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”