My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
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[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
School be like
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit