If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
You Might Also Like
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Is….Is this an option?
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.