Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
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Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories