Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
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Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Mornin
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts