Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
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Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.