COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
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I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly