CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
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tourist season
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
ok like just. call me at this point
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
ATMs should have breathalyzers
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.