[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
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“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this