Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
You Might Also Like
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.