20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
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I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
With this onion ring, I thee fed
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”