The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
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USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*