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To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
my name if I was in the mob
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
i think we should see other cousins
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie