One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
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[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
The honesty is refreshing
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
oh good, now I can stop drinking
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
tourist season
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it