If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
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[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
stand with me against insufficient seating
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair