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i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
me 2 months after i graduated
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes