This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
You Might Also Like
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*