FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
You Might Also Like
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”