I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
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Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.