A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
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When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.