Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
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Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious