Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
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nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Stick it to the man
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.