INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
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I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.