Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
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You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”