Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
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I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Why am I like this?
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop