They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
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Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
So that’s what we looked like?
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
when someone compliments me
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach