I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
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I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Mmmm. Shoeshi
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no