MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.